Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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