I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
