I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
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