fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
