On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Randomize
