So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
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