I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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