I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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