so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
