Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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