shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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