my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
