i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
