First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
