ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
