How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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