I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
