Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
