Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
