The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
