Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
