i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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