Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
