I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
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