I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
I think i got beer on your cat.
Randomize
