he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I'm getting married
To pizza
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
