He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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