I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Randomize
