someone threw a dead crab at me
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
i now understand why vodka
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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