Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize