i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation