Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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