Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
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Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
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i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it