i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
