her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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