i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
