You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
