Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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