We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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