You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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