Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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