HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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