is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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