Ambien. No doubt about it.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
