i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
