i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
