I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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