was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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