ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
