his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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