I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
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