and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
