He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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